mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
