the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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