this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
