new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
it was like eating out sand paper
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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