I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
