i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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