I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
