I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Randomize
