NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
