apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
