he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
