hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
