Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
