God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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