I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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