im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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