Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
