I'm pants shitting drunk right now
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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