I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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