I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
