im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
