I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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