I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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