Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
