I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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