Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
