Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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