She went from zero to smokin in five shots
there was a trapeze. enough said
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
