So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize