I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
