4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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