I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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