I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
