I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
the gays at disneyland are vicious
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
