"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
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He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
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I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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