Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
