she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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