Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
