i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
