we're chasing vodka with high fives
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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