I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
