If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
