Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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