Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
two words: eviction party
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
