Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
