I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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