I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
