Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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