i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
