Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
