My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
