Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
