Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
