hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
