I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
