Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
