The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
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I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
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New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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