if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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