In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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