I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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